| |
| Sunday, August 20, 2006 |
| DRE |
Aight. DRE. That's digital rectal exam.
Stuck my finger up another man's behind for the first time. That's not saying that I've stuck it up a woman's behind, or stuck it up my own behind, for that matter. Sometimes I wonder why I still bother explaining myself.
I remember saying some time ago that Canadians are shameless. Well I've come to the conclusion that they're not really shameless, just willing to do a lot of things that asians are not willing to do. A lack of inhibitions, some would say. Eh. Isn't that what shameless means? uh this tangent has potential to go in directions boring and monotonous so I'll stop here.
Anyway.
He wasn't even a real patient. Well it was a real man, but it wasn't as if it was in a clinical setting and he needed a DRE done to check his prostate or whatever. He was a perfectly healthy man who volunteered to have a potential doctor stick his\her finger up his rectum. Emphasis on the word potential. Not future, not soon-to-be, potential. There was no guarantee that any of us would finish 4th year unscathed and unscarred, yet he was still there, sacrificing the comfort of an unviolated rectum to a potential doctor.
I can hear my father say "for 40k a year that potential better be fulfilled."
So he drops his pants, after the usual preamble, I'm a 3rd year medical student bla bla bla. And as he shimmys and shifts to gets himself comfortable on the exam table, I swear, the one-eyed snake swings it's head around and stares at me. Like, cock stares me (forgive the pun).
*One startled step back*
What do you do when someone stares at you? You stare back, right? Normal human reaction.
So I stare back.
And at this point I feel very uncomfortable and severely inadequate.
*clears throat*
Sensing my fear, the snake turns away, but not before hissing at me and baring it's fangs. It knows who's in control of that exam room, and it sure as freaking hell wasn't me. Caryn, my partner for the day, has never seen a real-life penis before. No, seriously, she hasn't. She's visibly disturbed, pupils dilated, pearls of sweat forming on her forehead; the snake hisses at her. Her hands are shaking as she picks it up, we're supposed to take a look at it and prod it in certain places eh.
I almost burst out laughing cause seriously, if her hands were shaking just a little bit more, she coulda given him a very alert and very happy snake. Call me perverted call me whatever, but if you were there you'd thought the same thing fer sure. So anyway. THE big moment came.
"Mr. X, could you please lie on your left side as close to the table as you can, pull both legs up to your chest, and relax?"
*snap* *slakp*
(gloves being pulled on)
"I'm now applying some lubricant to my fingers, what I need you to do is to bear down, and then relax when I tell you to ok? You might feel like passing a bowel movement but that's normal and you won't. You might also feel like passing urine when I feel for your prostate but again, you won't"
You have no idea how amazingly difficult it is to say those words with a straight face.
Sooooo lubrication on, left hand on patient's hip (supposed to be comforting *shrug*), spread apart butt cheeks, and MY PATIENT DIDN'T CLEAN HIMSELF UP AFTER HIS LAST JOB. There it was, hanging innocently there, at about 7 o'clock, dangling and staring at me. Literally. A piece of shit. Then it hit me. How do I report what I see? Cause you have to report everything you see to the doctor examining you right?
"Uhm, I'm looking for any signs of frank bleeding that might indicate haemorrhoids, which there are none, and any scars and discolourations of the area around the anus, which there are none. I do see though, a significant brown mass at the 7 o'clock region of the anus which could be a uh.. uhm.. a... uh... urh... "
*very very uncomfortable and awkward silence here*
"PROceding to the digital exam...."
Place finger on the anal opening, apply some pressure, feel it relax and sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiideeeeeeeeee in. ok ok, posterior wall, left lateral, right lateral, go in deeeeeper, anterior wall, and hey hello there prostate. Ok retract sloooowly....
*wet popping mulchy sound*
And at this point I have to yell to myself "SUPPRESS GAG REFLEX YOU CAN DO IT" cause the smell was anally BAD, my gloved index finger was covered in his refuse, and I'm supposed to look at it and decipher what I see. Forced myself to stare at my finger and hastilly report, no blood no etc bla bla bla, when all I really want to do is get that @#$^!$# glove off my hand and scrub my finger with some bleach and maybe acid.
Hastilly shucked that glove off, tossed it. Shudders. Shakes head.
Washed my hands like 3 times.
And I haven't even mentioned the inguinal hernia exam. THAT one requires some pictoral demonstrations of how plain and simply WRONG it looks.
For some reason I don't feel like cooking tonight... |
posted by theycallmecruel @ 7:21 AM  |
|
| 1 Comments: |
-
one word...EYW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why the hell do we choose this course.. please remind me again??!!
|
| |
| << Home |
| |
|
|
|
|
 |
wheeeeeeeeeee
|
| Templates by |
|
|
|
one word...EYW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
why the hell do we choose this course.. please remind me again??!!