this is a coconut shell, and i am it's frog

Monday, August 25, 2008
ah pa once sms-ed me, the day before my final exam in canada - "you are ready for this. God will never bring you to what He hasn't prepared you for"


sucked into the facebook void i see, to the point of posting such raw emotions on your facebook page. i've always believed in never airing your dirty laundry in public but somehow feel that this is the best way to do this. for some odd reason. maybe it's the narcissistic "look i'm helping" feeling that this would bring. maybe it's the same reason that i posted a tribute to mom here - letting the whole world know i care (even though she proly didn't read it), and would be there at the drop of a pin should it ever drop. or maybe it's cause a reply-fb-note, in it's 250-odd-word limit, would not convey what i want to convey.

man my head hurts. CO2 incubators smell funny.

a rare word of encouragement from a brother who's always loved to jump on your inadequacies (if i spelt that right). so appreciate this.

every mother i've seen goes through what you go through. the short period of 6 weeks of obstetrics and 3 months of paediatrics - preceded by 2 weeks of child psychiatry, where mothers curse the world and preteens slit their wrists - has convinced me that every mother who says that "childbearing was the most beautiful thing ever" is lying. i cannot comprehend how they can say that when a mere 20 mins ago they were cursing to bloody murder, every orifice leaking it's respective bodily fluid (and solid), and a 3kg biological parasite is pulled from your overly-sensitive uglies to become a 20-year-long socioeconomic parasite (or, in some cases, 25 years. kof kof)

friggin' delusional.

just like in business - where for every successful first-million-by-twenty story you hear, there are only about 10 million first-bankruptcy-by-thirty, for every happy, easy going, simple baby, there are 10 million moms who want nothing more than to throw their babies far, far away - and return to those halcyon pre-baby days.

those happy moms are proly all smoking up and too bimbotic to see the reality of the situation anyway. and have 4 indon maids to do the midnight feeding and diaper changing, husbands who sleep around, families that do not support them, and friends that run when times are bad. she of the gucci sunglasses, peroxide blond hair, and the baby accessory.

it's funny how i draw my life's lessons from my studies, since i spend most of my time trying NOT to study. but every time an exam comes round i find me cursing myself again, why why why did i choose medicine? not just regular cursing mind you, but thorough screaming running in the halls cursing. every time i regret my decision to enter this field. every time i consider quitting, especially when i fail (which happens with alarming consistency). every time i enter the hall, i find myself desperately unprepared. hopelessly under-equipped. disturbingly inadequate.

so i stuff the doubts out of my mind cause that's the only way to retain my sanity, think of the beach, and open the paper. i have two letters after my name now. somehow.

what you will accomplish with Joshua will never be recognized in the way my struggles with a stack of questions will, but will ultimately mean so so much more. you will be pushed further, worked harder, cry more, sleep less (ok maybe not sleep less), and be more emotionally torn apart then i ever will be - such is the curse and the convuloted blessing of every RESPONSIBLE mother.

and why?
cause the beach at the end, untangible, never definable, always invisible; is also one that is far more beautiful than any artist can paint, any writer describe, or any imagination conjure.

ok i've used up my adjective-per-day quota.

i just know that one day, eyes glazed over, you will wax lyrical about that Joshua-induced beach. and i will remember women screaming bloody murder, every orifice ejecting it's respective bodily fluid (and solid); and i will think that you're lying - friggin' delusional.


ah pa once sms-ed me, the day before my final exam in canada - "you are ready for this. God will never bring you to what He hasn't prepared you for"

btw that manga big-eyed looking sad in the snow picture is way too cutesy for you.
posted by theycallmecruel @ 11:21 PM  
  • At 9:05 PM, Blogger C.L said…

    i'm finding it hard to get the point of this entry.

  • At 1:51 AM, Blogger theycallmecruel said…

    maybe cause you haven't read what this is in response too.

  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger amelyn said…

    are you letting the person you wrote this note for, know you wrote the note?

  • At 8:36 AM, Blogger Yi Wei said…

    all the best!!! I'm sure you will do well...:P

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